Pink Ballerina Vampires and Pink Cookies

I thoughtfully wandered around quite a lot on my little goat hooves, wondering just what piece of media I should write about first. Should it be my most favorite? Should it be the most popular? The most obscure? Does it really matter all that much when I have so many topics I want to cover?

Anyhoo, I landed on the last movie that I saw and rather enjoyed, Tyler Gillett and Matt Bettinelli-Olpin’s 2024 vampire movie, Abigail.

Something that you need to know about me is that I absolutely love vampires. I’ve never stopped loving them, even past my Twihard years and even my Twilight hating years…then back to the Twilight Renaissance...

But seriously, I’ve found drawings I did when I was eight years old of myself as a vampire. These monsters are, quite simply, the love of my life. So naturally, when I saw the trailer, I knew I was in for a treat.

I think that Abigail could be a great movie to go into blind. If you haven’t seen a trailer, or a preview, or a review, I think that it would be really enjoyable watching without expectations.

Alright, I’ll start with a spoiler free review for you if you've seen the trailer but haven’t watched the movie.

When I first saw this trailer in theaters, I turned to my movie going companion and said one thing:

“I hope Abigail wins.”

The trailer makes it pretty obvious that Abigail is a vampire that a group of hired criminals have mistakenly kidnapped. While I’m not pro murder, I am pro consequences. And before I saw the movie I said to my friend, “They better not make any of the kidnappers sympathetic. Because at the end of the day, they abducted a child.”

To put it simply, I was rooting for the vampire under the rule: Fuck around and find out.

I can say that Abigail is a movie that truly appreciates everything there is about these blood suckers. The world building of the vampires was the perfect balance that created a formidable threat that would be a challenge, but not impossibly overpowered. There was also blood. So. Much. Blood. Enough to rival a Kubrick Elevator. Which is so fitting for the genre, and gave for incredible crimson red visuals. After that description, it probably goes without saying that the gore was aplenty. I’ll be honest that I am not a fan of the violence of, like, torture porn, so it can be hit or miss with me. But I thought the gore in this movie was fun, with just the right amount of brutal.

The characters were well paced in fleshing them out. I will admit, one scene crams exposition a tad, but I feel that it’s necessary to get to know our criminal victims quickly so we can get to the hunter chasing the hunted. Abigail stole the show though. Every scene with her was the best scene in the movie. Child actors are getting better and better at the craft. Alisha Weir is marvelous at playing a centuries old creature who thrives on playing with her victims before the slaughter. I can’t believe she has the range from Matilda to monster. Plus, I recently learned she did some of her own stunts! She is a talented little star. The only character that would come to a close second is Kathryn Newton’s performance, but she is just so endearing I love her on the screen in general. All the characters have realistic and funny dialogue that keeps up the pace of the movie, and all of their reactions to a horrifying and life threatening situation kept genuine with their established goals and personalities.

The writing gave a lot of satisfying twists and turns that still revealed surprises even despite what the trailer gave away. It was so fun awaiting what move Abigail was going to make next, as well as what secrets about this young vampire have left to be uncovered. I won’t say who won in the end, but anyone who did come out did not come out unscathed.

Overall, Abigail was funny, action packed, dark, and just a good time. This movie paired quite well with the frosted animal cookies I snuck in. So I say grab yourself a bag from the store and settle in on the couch with a glass of something red to view Abigail.

Now for my one spoiler filled complaint to start my more spoiler laden thoughts:

They should have made Vampire Dad hotter. As a grown woman, I beg you. The actor himself is attractive. Why did you do him dirty hair and makeup? Why?

There are a couple of underlying themes to this movie, and the one that stands out the most is a theme about the relationship between parents and their children. Joey, our most sympathetic of child abductors is a mom who abandoned her son for drugs, and is hoping to get clean and come back as the perfect parent. Abigail is the demonic adopted child of her maker, Kristof Lazaar. Kristof Lazarr, both vampire and crime lord, has been too busy for his daughter. Abigail is trying to make Dad proud by slaughtering anyone who even so much as slights his vast organization. So she arranges for her own kidnapping by putting together a crew of individuals who have interfered with or insulted his criminal underground. Joey gets attached to Abigail because she’s a child. Abigail feels pity for Joey because she’s clearly not a malicious person. When it looks like both of these characters are going to meet their demise at the end, Joey calls her son to apologize for abandoning him. Then Abigail, the lost child, and Joey, the absent mother, team up to vanquish the final mutual foe. The theme gets hammered in when Daddy Kristoff gets home and attempts to eat Joey, but Abigail defends her for saying, “She was there when you weren’t.”

It’s not about being the perfect parent or having the most money, it’s about being there for your kids. So for all you moms and dads out there, make sure you pencil in that quality time. Even human kids can go to extremes to get attention.

I’ll be honest though, that’s not what I loved about this movie. That isn’t why I bought the ticket. I came to watch a tiny vampire kick the asses of a bunch of degenerates. Let me reemphasize a point here: they deserve their consequences. During the exposition at the beginning and Abigail’s deconstruction of their true identities, it shows that they are all at the very least morally gray. That’s neither here nor there, but they at one point, thought she was a little girl and they as a team:

1. Traumatically abducted her from her house.

2. Drugged and restrained her to a bed with a blindfold.

3. At one point, even though Joey was not in agreement, went upstairs to interrogate her through intimidation tactics and heavily implied that the questioning would turn violent if necessary.

I don’t care how many pinky promises Joey makes, they were all complicit in psychologically and physically traumatizing a CHILD. So when Abigail taunted, stabbed, floated, kicked, punched, and bit these fools in the funhouse mousetrap she created for them, it was satisfying. The best part was honestly when she smelled the garlic and held the crucifix to show that they were nothing. She was built to be one powerful undead ballerina.

The adorable killing machine was not the only thing I enjoyed. There was great comic relief from all the side characters. It felt like a real group of people dealing with being trapped by a vampire. And they really did a great job building up Frank to just be the biggest asshole. It was so exciting when he turned, because I didn’t know whose side he would be on, but surprise to no one he was on Frank’s side. But his rudeness built up to the really satisfying explosion when Abigail and Joey staked him.

Abigail will absolutely be one of the DVDs I add to my shelf, and will most likely make it into my Halloween movie rotation that starts in September.