Hello...If You Dare

Greetings and grimaces, internet. Let me start by saying that this was the last thing I thought I would be doing to express myself creatively. I had honestly set the bar lower to anonymous Wattpad shame fanfiction. I've always thought blogs were cool, but I always felt like I wasn't good enough to write one.

I've been through a lot. Being the Eldritch Abomination Avatar of Yog-Sothoth and The Black Goat's cosmic marriage put a lot of expectations on my shoulders. I was born with an affinity for the forbidden knowledge, and a form to walk the Earth. I should have been unstoppable. Until I wasn't.

Since I have some genetic leanings toward madness, I've struggled heavily with mental illness and low self worth. Any attempts to create or harvest ideas have been met with crippling doubt and self hatred. Not to mention, incredibly high standards that no one but myself is setting.

The truth under the tears, agony, and suffering is that I want to draw, paint, write, garden, and explore the act of creation in these humble yet ever expanding ways. But every time I reach for those things, a gnawing curse pulls me back into the deepest shadows within myself, saying we don't deserve those things as punishment for not being a perfect being.

A draining cycle groaned on, as I would pick up the materials to do my desired projects, and then set them back down. Tossing aside failures and mourning their losses. Beating myself up once again with the idea that I'm supposed to be important. To be SOMEBODY. Then I would imagine an idyllic lifestyle. A reality in which I am finally at peace, doing all the things I said I'd do. Then I'm back to the hellish start of the cycle.

All the while dabbling in therapy, medication, the psych ward, and mindfulness, there was one constant.

Horror.

Books, TV Shows, Movies, Comics, Manga, Video Games. I truly cannot get enough of it! It's the most beautiful genre, even when it's done terribly. It's catharsis, real human stories, and a great way to finish the stress response cycle by providing some emotional release.

I have this fantasy that appears in moments of serious contemplation, such as long drives and water conscious showers, that I get to share my thoughts and my passion for the genre online somehow.

Then I got a mechanical keyboard. OH BOY did I become an absolute child. I was feverishly frothing at the mouth for any excuse to type. Any reason at all to feel and be enveloped in the sound of those wonderful little clacks. And that's when I remembered that silly little dream of mine.

My goal with this blog is to share a love of all things horror through the written word and silly little illustrations. I know it's not an original format, but it is the one that I landed on. Some smaller aspirations within my goal include:

• Improving my writing style with practice.

• Practicing not setting absurdly high expectations of myself.

• A fun reason to explore more horror media.

• Having something I enjoy that is just for me.

I don't have any formal plans for a schedule yet, and I'm definitely not finished building a website. But I'm excited to start blogging about something I'm truly passionate about.

If you've read this far, and you're willing to join me on this journey, thank you.